I’m sitting in my living room, listening to the noise of
children playing in the back of the house. Blocks are clanking, the piano is
singing, and siblings are bossing. Lightening McQueen is making his usual
appearance on the TV. Laundry is piled up waiting to be folded. And all I can
do is think, “I’ve got to write this down. I’ve got to remember this.” So, I
write. My floors desperately need to be swept and mopped. Not to mention the
toys and dishes that need to be put away. But, for now, I choose to write. This
is my normal. My every day. My waking and sleeping. And I am so in love with
this life.
The Lord is constantly changing me. He’s shaping me into who
He created me to be. And it is so very different than I thought it was 2 years
ago. Two summers ago, I was desperate to get back to work. I needed to “get back
into a routine.” {I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve heard or said this
phrase. What does that even mean?} Trek, as an infant, was less-than-easy. Just
16 months prior to his birth, we had brought Lorelai home from the hospital.
From day 1, she was so easy. My firstborn was simple, laid back, and only
demanded to stay full and dry. Trek, on the other hand, challenged that false
sense of pride I had allowed to creep in with his big sister. He cried
constantly, wanted to be held all the time, and never seemed to be satisfied
with a full belly and dry diaper. He was tough! {I don’t feel guilty for saying
he was difficult. It just is what it is. So many people tell me that I “shouldn’t
say that.” But if we don’t share our struggles with each other, then how will
young mothers understand that is doesn’t have to be perfect all the time? Come
on ladies, let’s just get real!} I thought I needed work to escape my world at
home. Never mind that my children were getting my second best at the end of the
day. And my husband was dealing with a bitter wife who just couldn’t seem to
get happy about anything. {Looking back, I’m almost sure I was struggling with
mild depression. But you just don’t talk about that stuff. Strong mothers just
deal with it, right?!}
Through that school year, and especially during that next
summer, the Lord changed my heart. He led me into new friendships and stronger
relationships with friends I already had. Friends who were living the lifestyle
that I now longed to live. I realized that more ladies than I originally thought
were beginning to understand the importance of being in the home. And so I
began to pray. And read. And study. I sought council from young moms around me,
and I enlisted the prayers of strong warriors in my life. By the time September
rolled around, God began to soften Jeremy’s heart as well. The prospect of one
income scared him. {He won’t use that term, but I am certain it was fear.} Men
are created to be leaders and providers—I fully understand this, and I did my
best to be patient through the waiting. Finally, the door was opened for me to
stay home part time. And today, I am able to be with my children full time!
This summer, I’m not pressured to soak up that last bit of Summer
with my kids, because we will also have Fall, Winter, and Spring together! Instead
of preparing for the school year with other children, I am preparing to teach
my own children in our own home. That’s right, I’m one of THOSE crazy moms. Not
only do I stay home with my kids, {lazy, right?} but I also plan to homeschool
them. *gasp* I have never come out and said that on “social media” until now. I
think most people who know me well enough have suspected it, but here I am
finally admitting it. It is a calling. Absolutely a heart issue. I have no
desire to convince anyone else to live this lifestyle. I do not judge others
and the decisions that they are making for their own families. But I would also
ask for that same courtesy. The major reason I have not openly talked about
this decision with people other than very close friends is the fear of being
judged by my family and friends. {No, we’re not supposed to worry about what
others think. But come on. Be real. We all care on some level.} As I have
researched, and continue to research, a recurring theme I see on blogs and in
books is the struggles homeschooling families face from judgmental members of
their church, community, and even their families. Yes, this is different. No,
it is not for everyone. But the same holds true for public and private
education. So let’s not judge one another. Instead, let’s pray for one another.
Let’s be open to dialog and questions, but let’s not force our views on one
another in this area. For all I know, the Lord could change our hearts between
now and school age for our children. We still have a good two years before Lorelai
will be old enough for Kindergarten. A lot can happen in two years!
God is constantly at work in our family. Just this month, we
have been through the storm. The toughest, most trying time of our married
lives. We have fought the wind and rain, nearly drowning in the flood of
heartache that the Lord saw fit for us to endure. My faith has been tested. My
heart has been shattered. And I am on the mend. His mercies are new every
morning. Great is His faithfulness! Through this most difficult time, the Lord
has changed our hearts about very important things. I have prayed for His
intervention in this area for a very long time, and He is being faithful to
answer my prayers. The refining of my faith in this particular instance has
taken me through the fire. I have scars that will never heal. But He is
faithful! And I will sing of the mercies of the Lord forever, even through the
storm.
And so, this is my life! This is our life! I am “wasting” my
college education and “just” being a wife and mother. I am “missing out” on
worldly riches and luxuries and scrimping and saving to keep our lifestyle
possible. We are ignoring enduring the stares and eye-rolls as we embrace a
lifestyle that is counter-cultural. And I am so thankful! Be encouraged, mom.
Pray. Seek the Lord. Follow His guidance. Go against the grain. Because there
is nothing more beautiful than a life lived for service to God and others.
There is nothing more beautiful than an imperfect soul finding rest and
assurance in a perfect God.
Now, I need to fold that laundry.
