Glory Baby

“…The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”
Job 1:21

That’s an easy verse to quote most of the time. Especially when we’re encouraging other people through trials. It’s a verse that comes to mind when someone else is struggling…one of those scriptures that’s “for everyone else.” July 13, 2013 was the first time that I have had to apply that scripture-cling to that scripture-in my adult life. I have debated whether or not I would even share this in a blog post. I have kept it to myself for nearly a month, sharing my thoughts and feelings with only the closest friends and family. But I think it’s something that needs to be talked about. While it is a very private heartache, it is one that I share with countless women around me.

I’ll start from the beginning…

I have been praying about more children for a very long time. I believe that God has put a desire in my heart for a large family. I don’t know exactly what that will look like in the future, but I have been praying hard! Several months ago, Jeremy and I were convicted about our use of hormonal birth control. Do your research, and you will find that it is an abortifacient. We immediately stopped using the pill. As has been the case for us in the past, it wasn’t long before -*gasp*- I was pregnant! On July 6, at 10 days late, I finally got a positive pregnancy test. I was thrilled! A baby! Praise Jesus! Where are we going to put a baby?! 

We kept our news quiet until I could get to the doctor to hear the heartbeat. We have always been aware of the possibility of a loss, and it wasn’t something we wanted to have to endure publically. The following Tuesday, I went into the doctor’s office to have my pregnancy confirmed. Instead of a clear positive on their test, the line didn’t even show. At that moment, the Lord began preparing my heart for the loss that I knew was coming. By Wednesday evening, all of my pregnancy symptoms were gone. I spent every moment in prayer over our child. I cried and rejoiced over the life that I had been given.

And Saturday morning, after a trip to the grocery store, just 2 days shy of 7 weeks pregnant, I began to spot. My heart shattered into a million pieces. I cried out to God with every ounce of strength inside of me. 

“Lord! Save my baby! Make her healthy! Please, Jesus, let me kiss and hold and love this baby! She is mine, but she is yours first. Not my will, but yours be done.” 

I spent most of the day in bed, in too much pain to even move. Jeremy headed to the garden that evening with Trek, and shared the news with his parents. I was devastated that he had to give a pregnancy and death announcement all in the same breath. The kids spent the night with Nanny and Pappy, and I called my mom the next morning before church to share the news with her. Sunday morning was spent alone, just me and my precious baby. The Lord was gracious to me, and allowed me to experience little pain after that first day. Just before lunch, I lost my baby. My third surprise was one that I would not be able to share with the world. Our third baby is one that her big brother and big sister will never meet this side of heaven. She was ushered into eternity just 8 days after we were aware of her life. {I called this baby a girl from the beginning. And so I will always refer to her this way.} 

Fortunately, I needed no medical intervention throughout the entire process. Even in the storm, the Lord is so gracious to us. He never gives us more than we can handle, even when we feel like we are drowning in despair. I am thankful that my body recovered as quickly as it did. My heart, however, will always grieve the precious life that we were blessed to know for such a short time. 

I believe in the sovereignty of God. I am convinced that He is in complete control. That before the foundation of the world, He numbered our days. Nothing surprises my God. He is never afraid or worried or unsure. He is always on His thrown. And so I praise Him. When I am so overcome with grief and sadness, I cling to him. I crawl into His lap, and He holds me. When the pain is so real that it overwhelms me and threatens to choke me, I cry out to my Jesus, who reminds me time and again that His grace never fails. His mercies are new every morning. His grace is sufficient for me. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. And I have never been so weak. I have never been so brokenhearted. I have never been so reminded of pain and loss. But I have never felt the love of Jesus like I have this month. He is healing me, and He is strengthening me, and I am resting in His promises. 

“…The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”
Job 1:21

It is my prayer that very soon, the Lord will give to us again.

Heart Notes

I’m sitting in my living room, listening to the noise of children playing in the back of the house. Blocks are clanking, the piano is singing, and siblings are bossing. Lightening McQueen is making his usual appearance on the TV. Laundry is piled up waiting to be folded. And all I can do is think, “I’ve got to write this down. I’ve got to remember this.” So, I write. My floors desperately need to be swept and mopped. Not to mention the toys and dishes that need to be put away. But, for now, I choose to write. This is my normal. My every day. My waking and sleeping. And I am so in love with this life.

The Lord is constantly changing me. He’s shaping me into who He created me to be. And it is so very different than I thought it was 2 years ago. Two summers ago, I was desperate to get back to work. I needed to “get back into a routine.” {I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve heard or said this phrase. What does that even mean?} Trek, as an infant, was less-than-easy. Just 16 months prior to his birth, we had brought Lorelai home from the hospital. From day 1, she was so easy. My firstborn was simple, laid back, and only demanded to stay full and dry. Trek, on the other hand, challenged that false sense of pride I had allowed to creep in with his big sister. He cried constantly, wanted to be held all the time, and never seemed to be satisfied with a full belly and dry diaper. He was tough! {I don’t feel guilty for saying he was difficult. It just is what it is. So many people tell me that I “shouldn’t say that.” But if we don’t share our struggles with each other, then how will young mothers understand that is doesn’t have to be perfect all the time? Come on ladies, let’s just get real!} I thought I needed work to escape my world at home. Never mind that my children were getting my second best at the end of the day. And my husband was dealing with a bitter wife who just couldn’t seem to get happy about anything. {Looking back, I’m almost sure I was struggling with mild depression. But you just don’t talk about that stuff. Strong mothers just deal with it, right?!}

Through that school year, and especially during that next summer, the Lord changed my heart. He led me into new friendships and stronger relationships with friends I already had. Friends who were living the lifestyle that I now longed to live. I realized that more ladies than I originally thought were beginning to understand the importance of being in the home. And so I began to pray. And read. And study. I sought council from young moms around me, and I enlisted the prayers of strong warriors in my life. By the time September rolled around, God began to soften Jeremy’s heart as well. The prospect of one income scared him. {He won’t use that term, but I am certain it was fear.} Men are created to be leaders and providers—I fully understand this, and I did my best to be patient through the waiting. Finally, the door was opened for me to stay home part time. And today, I am able to be with my children full time!

This summer, I’m not pressured to soak up that last bit of Summer with my kids, because we will also have Fall, Winter, and Spring together! Instead of preparing for the school year with other children, I am preparing to teach my own children in our own home. That’s right, I’m one of THOSE crazy moms. Not only do I stay home with my kids, {lazy, right?} but I also plan to homeschool them. *gasp* I have never come out and said that on “social media” until now. I think most people who know me well enough have suspected it, but here I am finally admitting it. It is a calling. Absolutely a heart issue. I have no desire to convince anyone else to live this lifestyle. I do not judge others and the decisions that they are making for their own families. But I would also ask for that same courtesy. The major reason I have not openly talked about this decision with people other than very close friends is the fear of being judged by my family and friends. {No, we’re not supposed to worry about what others think. But come on. Be real. We all care on some level.} As I have researched, and continue to research, a recurring theme I see on blogs and in books is the struggles homeschooling families face from judgmental members of their church, community, and even their families. Yes, this is different. No, it is not for everyone. But the same holds true for public and private education. So let’s not judge one another. Instead, let’s pray for one another. Let’s be open to dialog and questions, but let’s not force our views on one another in this area. For all I know, the Lord could change our hearts between now and school age for our children. We still have a good two years before Lorelai will be old enough for Kindergarten. A lot can happen in two years! 

God is constantly at work in our family. Just this month, we have been through the storm. The toughest, most trying time of our married lives. We have fought the wind and rain, nearly drowning in the flood of heartache that the Lord saw fit for us to endure. My faith has been tested. My heart has been shattered. And I am on the mend. His mercies are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness! Through this most difficult time, the Lord has changed our hearts about very important things. I have prayed for His intervention in this area for a very long time, and He is being faithful to answer my prayers. The refining of my faith in this particular instance has taken me through the fire. I have scars that will never heal. But He is faithful! And I will sing of the mercies of the Lord forever, even through the storm. 

And so, this is my life! This is our life! I am “wasting” my college education and “just” being a wife and mother. I am “missing out” on worldly riches and luxuries and scrimping and saving to keep our lifestyle possible. We are ignoring enduring the stares and eye-rolls as we embrace a lifestyle that is counter-cultural. And I am so thankful! Be encouraged, mom. Pray. Seek the Lord. Follow His guidance. Go against the grain. Because there is nothing more beautiful than a life lived for service to God and others. There is nothing more beautiful than an imperfect soul finding rest and assurance in a perfect God. 

Now, I need to fold that laundry.

No More Diapers!

I am just so excited to be writing this post! Y'all don't even understand! Well...that's not true. Most of my readers are moms (because most of my readers are family), so I guess you do understand! But I'm going to brag anyway. Because I'm a momma, and this is my blog about my kids. So by golly, that means I get to to brag!

This was totally unplanned. Absolutely not even on my radar. Saturday night, Trek got sick. Without making you sick, too, let's just say it was bad! Poor kid. It got to a point on Tuesday where it didn't make sense anymore for him to even wear a diaper. He had an awful rash, and even worse tummy issues. So we spent the day at home (mostly) and just tried to let it run its course. And then I thought, "Hey! Let's go ahead and get a potty!" So we took a quick trip to Walmart, and the boy used the potty TWICE that night! With very little prompting!

Wednesday was equally as awesome. Know how many diapers I changed? Z-E-R-O! Were we totally accident-free? No. But he actually started asking to use the potty on Wednesday. Thursday was even better. And today, I am PRETTY SURE it's safe to say that Trek is potty trained! Hallelujah! 

Y'all, I'm not even kidding. I did no work with this kid. None. Apparently he really was ready. And he.is.awesome! I predict that, by next week, he won't even be sleeping in a Pull-Up. I am SO proud of my kid! This has nothing to do with me. For real. I'm just fortunate enough to have witnessed it. So...sorry if you're seeking training advice. I got nothin for ya. Except maybe hope for a stomach virus to hit, and go from there. Ok. Maybe that's mean or something. But hey, it worked for us!

Go Trek-Man! You ROCK!
  

This is not what I signed up for...

I remember the moment I first found out I was going to be a Mommy. I remember the exact place. I remember the first people to know. I remember literally trembling as my brain tried desperately to process the news. A baby?! I was going to have a BABY?! And I remember vividly the moment I found out I was going to be a Mommy for the second time. Much sooner than I ever would have planned {you know, if I were a planner. Which I most certainly am not!}. Even more shocking the second time around!

Jeremy and I have been absolutely blessed. We have never {as of yet} had to struggle through the pain of infertility. We have never even had to anticipate pregnancy, praying every month for a positive test. We have never suffered the heartache of losing a child, as so many women that we love have endured. For some reason, the Lord has seen fit to bless us with not one, but two very big surprises! And we do quite well with surprises around here...go figure!

I knew I wanted to be a Mommy when I was a kid. I considered it my "career choice" when I was in high school. I've thought about motherhood. Dreamed about motherhood. Anticipated motherhood. But this mothering thing...it's not what I signed up for...

No one can be totally prepared for motherhood. You can't just learn about it from a book or a blog. You can't even learn from friends or from babysitting. But you can guess. And you can get a pretty good feeling for things when you're exposed to other children and families. I knew there would be long nights. I knew there would be dirty diapers. I even knew that sometimes things that should stay in diapers end up ALL OVER YOUR CLOTHES! So I guess I sort of signed up for that stuff when I entered the Mommy Club.

But I didn't sign up for all of it. What about the mounds of laundry that such a tiny person can produce? Yep, I expected that. What about all of that crying?! Yeah, I kind of figured that was coming. And how messy my house seemed to be? Oh yeah, no big deal. It's like that anyway! So I guess I knew all of that was coming too...

But let me tell you what I didn't sign up for...
These little people that call me "Mommy"...they are the most loving people.
They are kind.
They are funny. 
They are so smart!
They are the joy of my heart.
They are my favorite little people on the planet.
They make me laugh.
They make me cry.
They make me humble.
They make me proud.
They make me think.
They make me be less hard on myself.
They teach me, even while I am teaching them.
They love me...unconditionally! Even when I am just so mean!
These babies light up every single second of every single day.
They test me and challenge me and make me be a better person.

So is this mothering thing what I signed up for? No...it is so much more.