Glory Baby

“…The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”
Job 1:21

That’s an easy verse to quote most of the time. Especially when we’re encouraging other people through trials. It’s a verse that comes to mind when someone else is struggling…one of those scriptures that’s “for everyone else.” July 13, 2013 was the first time that I have had to apply that scripture-cling to that scripture-in my adult life. I have debated whether or not I would even share this in a blog post. I have kept it to myself for nearly a month, sharing my thoughts and feelings with only the closest friends and family. But I think it’s something that needs to be talked about. While it is a very private heartache, it is one that I share with countless women around me.

I’ll start from the beginning…

I have been praying about more children for a very long time. I believe that God has put a desire in my heart for a large family. I don’t know exactly what that will look like in the future, but I have been praying hard! Several months ago, Jeremy and I were convicted about our use of hormonal birth control. Do your research, and you will find that it is an abortifacient. We immediately stopped using the pill. As has been the case for us in the past, it wasn’t long before -*gasp*- I was pregnant! On July 6, at 10 days late, I finally got a positive pregnancy test. I was thrilled! A baby! Praise Jesus! Where are we going to put a baby?! 

We kept our news quiet until I could get to the doctor to hear the heartbeat. We have always been aware of the possibility of a loss, and it wasn’t something we wanted to have to endure publically. The following Tuesday, I went into the doctor’s office to have my pregnancy confirmed. Instead of a clear positive on their test, the line didn’t even show. At that moment, the Lord began preparing my heart for the loss that I knew was coming. By Wednesday evening, all of my pregnancy symptoms were gone. I spent every moment in prayer over our child. I cried and rejoiced over the life that I had been given.

And Saturday morning, after a trip to the grocery store, just 2 days shy of 7 weeks pregnant, I began to spot. My heart shattered into a million pieces. I cried out to God with every ounce of strength inside of me. 

“Lord! Save my baby! Make her healthy! Please, Jesus, let me kiss and hold and love this baby! She is mine, but she is yours first. Not my will, but yours be done.” 

I spent most of the day in bed, in too much pain to even move. Jeremy headed to the garden that evening with Trek, and shared the news with his parents. I was devastated that he had to give a pregnancy and death announcement all in the same breath. The kids spent the night with Nanny and Pappy, and I called my mom the next morning before church to share the news with her. Sunday morning was spent alone, just me and my precious baby. The Lord was gracious to me, and allowed me to experience little pain after that first day. Just before lunch, I lost my baby. My third surprise was one that I would not be able to share with the world. Our third baby is one that her big brother and big sister will never meet this side of heaven. She was ushered into eternity just 8 days after we were aware of her life. {I called this baby a girl from the beginning. And so I will always refer to her this way.} 

Fortunately, I needed no medical intervention throughout the entire process. Even in the storm, the Lord is so gracious to us. He never gives us more than we can handle, even when we feel like we are drowning in despair. I am thankful that my body recovered as quickly as it did. My heart, however, will always grieve the precious life that we were blessed to know for such a short time. 

I believe in the sovereignty of God. I am convinced that He is in complete control. That before the foundation of the world, He numbered our days. Nothing surprises my God. He is never afraid or worried or unsure. He is always on His thrown. And so I praise Him. When I am so overcome with grief and sadness, I cling to him. I crawl into His lap, and He holds me. When the pain is so real that it overwhelms me and threatens to choke me, I cry out to my Jesus, who reminds me time and again that His grace never fails. His mercies are new every morning. His grace is sufficient for me. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. And I have never been so weak. I have never been so brokenhearted. I have never been so reminded of pain and loss. But I have never felt the love of Jesus like I have this month. He is healing me, and He is strengthening me, and I am resting in His promises. 

“…The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”
Job 1:21

It is my prayer that very soon, the Lord will give to us again.