Heart Notes

I’m sitting in my living room, listening to the noise of children playing in the back of the house. Blocks are clanking, the piano is singing, and siblings are bossing. Lightening McQueen is making his usual appearance on the TV. Laundry is piled up waiting to be folded. And all I can do is think, “I’ve got to write this down. I’ve got to remember this.” So, I write. My floors desperately need to be swept and mopped. Not to mention the toys and dishes that need to be put away. But, for now, I choose to write. This is my normal. My every day. My waking and sleeping. And I am so in love with this life.

The Lord is constantly changing me. He’s shaping me into who He created me to be. And it is so very different than I thought it was 2 years ago. Two summers ago, I was desperate to get back to work. I needed to “get back into a routine.” {I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve heard or said this phrase. What does that even mean?} Trek, as an infant, was less-than-easy. Just 16 months prior to his birth, we had brought Lorelai home from the hospital. From day 1, she was so easy. My firstborn was simple, laid back, and only demanded to stay full and dry. Trek, on the other hand, challenged that false sense of pride I had allowed to creep in with his big sister. He cried constantly, wanted to be held all the time, and never seemed to be satisfied with a full belly and dry diaper. He was tough! {I don’t feel guilty for saying he was difficult. It just is what it is. So many people tell me that I “shouldn’t say that.” But if we don’t share our struggles with each other, then how will young mothers understand that is doesn’t have to be perfect all the time? Come on ladies, let’s just get real!} I thought I needed work to escape my world at home. Never mind that my children were getting my second best at the end of the day. And my husband was dealing with a bitter wife who just couldn’t seem to get happy about anything. {Looking back, I’m almost sure I was struggling with mild depression. But you just don’t talk about that stuff. Strong mothers just deal with it, right?!}

Through that school year, and especially during that next summer, the Lord changed my heart. He led me into new friendships and stronger relationships with friends I already had. Friends who were living the lifestyle that I now longed to live. I realized that more ladies than I originally thought were beginning to understand the importance of being in the home. And so I began to pray. And read. And study. I sought council from young moms around me, and I enlisted the prayers of strong warriors in my life. By the time September rolled around, God began to soften Jeremy’s heart as well. The prospect of one income scared him. {He won’t use that term, but I am certain it was fear.} Men are created to be leaders and providers—I fully understand this, and I did my best to be patient through the waiting. Finally, the door was opened for me to stay home part time. And today, I am able to be with my children full time!

This summer, I’m not pressured to soak up that last bit of Summer with my kids, because we will also have Fall, Winter, and Spring together! Instead of preparing for the school year with other children, I am preparing to teach my own children in our own home. That’s right, I’m one of THOSE crazy moms. Not only do I stay home with my kids, {lazy, right?} but I also plan to homeschool them. *gasp* I have never come out and said that on “social media” until now. I think most people who know me well enough have suspected it, but here I am finally admitting it. It is a calling. Absolutely a heart issue. I have no desire to convince anyone else to live this lifestyle. I do not judge others and the decisions that they are making for their own families. But I would also ask for that same courtesy. The major reason I have not openly talked about this decision with people other than very close friends is the fear of being judged by my family and friends. {No, we’re not supposed to worry about what others think. But come on. Be real. We all care on some level.} As I have researched, and continue to research, a recurring theme I see on blogs and in books is the struggles homeschooling families face from judgmental members of their church, community, and even their families. Yes, this is different. No, it is not for everyone. But the same holds true for public and private education. So let’s not judge one another. Instead, let’s pray for one another. Let’s be open to dialog and questions, but let’s not force our views on one another in this area. For all I know, the Lord could change our hearts between now and school age for our children. We still have a good two years before Lorelai will be old enough for Kindergarten. A lot can happen in two years! 

God is constantly at work in our family. Just this month, we have been through the storm. The toughest, most trying time of our married lives. We have fought the wind and rain, nearly drowning in the flood of heartache that the Lord saw fit for us to endure. My faith has been tested. My heart has been shattered. And I am on the mend. His mercies are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness! Through this most difficult time, the Lord has changed our hearts about very important things. I have prayed for His intervention in this area for a very long time, and He is being faithful to answer my prayers. The refining of my faith in this particular instance has taken me through the fire. I have scars that will never heal. But He is faithful! And I will sing of the mercies of the Lord forever, even through the storm. 

And so, this is my life! This is our life! I am “wasting” my college education and “just” being a wife and mother. I am “missing out” on worldly riches and luxuries and scrimping and saving to keep our lifestyle possible. We are ignoring enduring the stares and eye-rolls as we embrace a lifestyle that is counter-cultural. And I am so thankful! Be encouraged, mom. Pray. Seek the Lord. Follow His guidance. Go against the grain. Because there is nothing more beautiful than a life lived for service to God and others. There is nothing more beautiful than an imperfect soul finding rest and assurance in a perfect God. 

Now, I need to fold that laundry.